Feelings are important because they are filled with information. That information is critical for our emotional and physical health. Feelings let us know what to go toward and what to avoid. They lead us to our passion and away from danger. Feeling leads us to insight about what we need to thrive.
Our society in general is uncomfortable with feelings. We are taught they are not good, that we should not have them, that we are weak or out of control if we feel. We are told to deny our pain and our anger and our discomfort, which is an attempt to control us by having us deny our feelings and needs. We all have feelings and needs and relationships are all about those feelings and needs. Denial just pushes them down where they fester only to come out later—usually in a way that hurts ourself and/or others. It takes strength to be with the discomfort of our feelings and then to align our behavior with the truth of what those feelings mean to us.
If we act out on the feelings from a triggered place with anger or hurt, then we have not fully processed them. When feelings are fully processed we feel peaceful and safe; we act from a place of safety and care for ourselves and others. When we act out from the emotions before they are processed, we will be angry or withdrawn. We try to control the situation with our anger or withdrawal—we are trying to control others to get what we need. This creates more conflict because others can feel the attempt to control and they resist it (by withdrawing or fighting back). Being a healthy adult means we take care of the vulnerable feeling part of us without expecting others to do that. Taking full responsibility for how we feel means we stop and feel into what is happening so we can understand where feelings come from and what we need; we get insight and calm before acting. We fill ourselves up first and then come to relationships filled up and without the expectation that others fix our feelings for us or that we should fix their feelings. This creates safety for ourselves and for our relationships.
We learn protective behaviors to help us avoid or deny how we feel; behaviors like proving we are right/smart/good; denying; defending; withdrawing. We use substances and activities to numb the feelings like alcohol, exercise, drugs, work, TV. We become addicted to these protections and they get worse over time because of the build up of unacknowledged and unprocessed feelings in the body. Protections create unsafe relationship space because we are not open to learning what others need and we are not responsible for our own needs—then we pull on someone else to take care of them (usually with anger and blame or withdrawal and attempt to punish). Unmet needs are what fuel anger and blame which spirals into more protections and more lack of safety. We fight instead of being loving. Our protections are loud in our head and they contain the beliefs behind our protective behaviors like I am not good enough; I am defective; I am not lovable. We need to recognize those false beliefs and ask your higher self, is that belief true?
We want to honor and take care of our own needs—not our addictive protection, but the needs underlying the emotions we feel—which is the need for love and safety. We especially need to create love and safety for ourselves if we didn’t feel it much of that when we were younger or if we are in unsafe environments now. We create safety for ourselves by acknowledging our feelings and listening to our needs and loving our vulnerable, feeling self and then acting to give that part of us what we need (like creating boundaries). Then we create safe space for relationships to flourish because we are aligned with our true self. Our true self is not as loud as our protectors, so we need to acknowledge protectors and thank them for their protection, ask them to step aside and then feel into what are they protecting. This type of listening leads us to our true self which can take time because the vulnerable, feeling part of us needs to trust that we are committed to taking care of ourselves by listening to what we need and then acting on that.
Our protections originate with our younger self who thought she couldn’t handle what she felt and she was told she shouldn’t feel that (no one was present to help us regulate and teach us how to be with the discomfort). As adults it is usually not true that we cannot handle the feelings, though it may take some help getting resourced enough to do it alone. People who process their feelings regularly are safe and thus create safe space to help us regulate our feelings. Part of feeling and healing is to see where we have unprocessed feelings from the past. Denial of feelings means you abandon yourself and the feelings linger in the body. We want to uncover what is there and just be present with what is.
To start, listen to what is happening in the body. Feelings start with sensations in the body. Getting into the body gives us clues about how we feel and takes us out of the head and blocking beliefs we developed around difficult feelings (like I can’t handle this or I am no good/defective/bad/unlovable). When we can just be with the sensations without our protective beliefs (I can’t handle this) then we can allow what is there and process it all to see what the needs are underlying the feelings.
Our feelings need regular, daily attention. Learning to be with our feelings is a skill we get better at the more we practice. We each need to figure out processes that work best for us. Ideas:
• As we lay in bed at night we can be in the body and notice what is there from the day. Notice sensations in the body. Where are you tense? What are you feeling? And then we can ask ourselves, given this, what is the loving action to take for myself?
• As we take a walk, we might begin by checking in with how our body feels. How are we breathing? How do our legs feel? What is happening with our hands? Look around at what surrounds you. Listen to what you hear. Then go back and check in with your body. Getting out of the head allows creative insight in.
• Pause. We can create minutes during the day where we check in and do a body scan. What are we feeling and what are the sensations in the body? Just allow them without judgement or resistance. And if you feel resistance, just allow that and notice the sensations present in your resistance. Where is it in your body? What does it look like and feel like?
Practice now:
Close your eyes; take a few deep breaths; move attention to your body. How does it feel sitting in the chair? Scan your body. Where are you tense? Breathe into the tension. Let it be there. See what comes up as you are mindful of what is going on in your body. What are the sensations? What are the feelings? What are the thoughts? What beliefs do you hear that come from the past? What happens with your breath? Is there resistance? Can you just allow and be with that resistance and notice how that feels? Can you just acknowledge and be with whatever is there? Finally, what do those feelings means in terms of the loving action can you take for yourself?